I met an old friend this holiday, and not only did I meet him. I met the old me too.

You see, as we reminisced and talked about old times we got to old scars, we had stopped talking for about three years. I didn't particularly miss his presence, but I would occasionally think of him, maybe if someone brought him up in a conversation or saw anything that reminded me of his person. 

The Scar

As we discussed, we got to talk about why we had not spoken for so long, I mean we were not quarrelling or were we?

A third friend then asked a direct question why did you guys stop being in touch?

I quickly answered, I mean we are both very busy. I have goals that I feel like I'm lagging behind on, and No I don't mean marriage, so I guess it makes sense that out of sight would be out of mind.

That was when he said "I stopped calling you because you told me never to call you again, you said, you would block me on WhatsApp, blacklist my number and block me on truecaller, So that there was no way I could reach you ever again" My head felt blank at once, our other friends present laughed and said NO WAY! He would never do that, we know him so well. But he knew what he was saying. He went on to say so many hurtful things I had said to scar him and his confidence.

I made him see that he deserved to be nothing, and why, because he offended me?

I mean let him who is without sin, be the first to cast a stone, said by Jesus, reiterated by Asa, lol.

I couldn't speak, those words sounded familiar I felt like I had heard them before, but I could not remember how or when or even where.

You know what they say  " person wey poopoo fit forget the smell, but person wey pack am no dey ever forget" So he began to paint the picture and he confessed that yes he did hurt me, and he was sorry for it, but i never gave him the opportunity to say or show how sorry he was. He is only human after all, and as he spoke I started to remember. I did say that, because of how badly I was hurt. He had lived with the guilt of his actions to me and much worse the inability to talk to me about it or apologise was a lingering Nightmare.

Well, the striking thing is, I was not in unforgiveness. And that made it even worse. To my mind, he stopped existing. I had blotted out that event from my memory because of how deep the cut was, I blotted Him out in the process. It was a coping mechanism that my mind adopted, I forgot the person along with his actions. How is that even possible? I didn't know I had such powers, where is this super power when i need it.

The conversation went on and on, I saw how he had carried the guilt of an offence that I didn't remember, and I saw that I am not so perfect after all.

I mean, he hurt me, but the words i said to him had made him feel less of himself for as long as we were apart. 

He was doing really well for himself when I saw him, and couldn't help but notice that was probably the only reason why he felt the confidence to reconnect. I had made him feel like he wasn't good enough for 3 years and when he finally had an upgrade he wanted to see me, to show me and hope that I approved of him now. I saw as we talked what a monster that "ME" was. He was guilty, very guilty of hurting me badly, but I was the stronger one emotionally, so I hurt him with my words. I was guilty too. Almost just as guilty.

I realised though,  I had forgiven him a long time ago, but he didn't know this. I was proud of all the good things that he had done for himself. I didn't feel anyway Ill about him or his presence. 

He was and is my Friend, we may not live in the same city or country but I did love the idea of the fact that he is my friend.

Then it occurred to me sometimes words cut deeper than knife. The need to bridle our tongue is not small business, because the effect of words loosely placed is very costly. 

As I psycho analysed the situation. I realised my brain cooperated with my feeling to eliminate, to erase his existence because those mean words I said to him out loud... My brain believed it, I spoke from a place of deep hurt and pain. My brain looks out for me,it somehow didn't want me to relive the moment ever again so it made it easy, or so it thought.

You see, the fact that Hurt will come is absolutely certain. When it does, resist the urge to ease the pain by hurting back the best way you know how to. Or you would be guilty too.

WRITER

Anonymous.